These decadent days run a thick river
through the westside of this town.
We account bottlecaps and soda taps,
to make a ledger of how much we drink
of our own blood, and to send to
the loving aristocrat upstream.
I send him my message, cased in a
black-tinted bottle, stoppered with deflated
balloons, my signature sidenote:
“Shatter-heart, all in this river,
I am sorry for when it stabs at your charming skin
I regret this fall in with you
and we never bloomed more fair
it’s unjust for you to bear
The weight of all my stars and moons
I never dammed this river to spite you.”
Downwind, his only response:
“Every time you spit into this river,
it comes back to you as rain.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I felt that you rushed this. Is there any particular reason why you have the beginning of each line capitalized?
This is ackward:
Your ryhmes are ackward and forced. They are out of place in a poem that shouldn't ryhme:
I liked this:
You should really go through this again and refine it. Good luck,
Cameron
"Through the westsdie of this town."
Should be "westside."
The first stanza is boring... I think it's these lines:
Account can mean several things, and sometimes this is a good thing, but in this case, it doesn't work.
I love the second and third stanza though. You just need to work on your introduction.
I found this appealing, gummy.
I'm not sure if "Minha" has any significance to it, but the title was a nice one to fit the ending.